Wednesday, December 28, 2016

To the guy that promised that he wouldn't hurt me

Dear guy that hurt me,

I really don't know what to say. I am so hurt right now. Like really hurt. I didn't want to grow attached to you but I did. And I so regret it. I don't want to but I do so very much. 

I know that you didn't want to hurt but you did. You made me feel so special when we first started talking. I was so amazed that you would be talking to me. And then I let go. I trusted you when so many people told me not to. So many of the girl's that I went to school with told me that I need to leave before I liked you more. There were moments where I had a gut feeling. A feeling that I need to leave now. Moments where I just wanted to back out and I should have. I really should have. It would have saved me so much hurt that I am feeling right now. 

You were the first guy in a long time that I allowed myself to trust. I don't easily because I get hurt so often. But I trusted you. You said all of the right things at the right time. You made me feel so special. You said the things that I wanted to hear. And I trusted you. I trusted you when you said that you would never hurt me. I really did think that you wouldn't hurt me but I was so wrong. I warned you that I didn't want to hurt you. And that I would go out with you if you promised that you wouldn't hurt me. But you did. You hurt me. I know that you didn't mean to and probably wish that you didn't but you did. And I'm sorry that I trusted you.

I have liked you for 3 years. But after you left, I just pushed my feelings back because I didn't think I was going to see you again. But when you messaged me, all of those feelings came back. And I tried to push them back but they came rushing back. I didn't want to like you anymore because I had been hurt in the past by a guy. I knew that we worked great together but we hadn't really talked.

I really didn't want to go out with you to begin with because we were friends and I didn't want to jeopardize that. But as time when on, my feelings for you became stronger. I wanted to go out with you more but something always got in the way. And each time we cancelled, I was upset and just sad. I really wanted to go out with you and be your girlfriend.

When you told me that I wasn't going to be first in your life, I understood and still wanted to be with you. I understood that you were busy and had a lot on your plate. I was busy too. I had just started a new college and was doing observation hours. But I was there for you. Through everything.

There were moments where I felt that you didn't care about me. When you would just ignore me or not talk to me for hours. When you would send me Snapchats with other girls. But then there were the moments where you was the sweetest person ever. Sending me cute texts and Snapchats. When you would send me cute emoji's. And long text messages explaining how you felt about me. We had so much in common.

Can I trust you again when you decide to come back? You broke my heart. I literally cried myself to sleep because of you. I forgive you but it will take time for me to trust you again.

You didn't understand me. Everybody kept telling me that you were going to hurt me. And that it doesn't take 3 months to plan a date. That I should just leave when I had the time. There were people that were happy that I was talking to you.

You were the only one that I was talking to. I forgot about everyone except for you. I was focused on you because I wanted to be with you. And then you got jealous about a guy that meant nothing to me anymore. A guy that I wish that I was talking to instead. He may have hurt me too but I don't care.

I gave you 5 days. How many more do you need? I want to know if you want to continue this or stop because it is playing with me mind. If we stop this, I have to tell the recruiter and my friends. But I won't tell them why we had to stop this. I am too old to be talking to someone without it going somewhere. I want a relationship that is trained on marriage. I really hope that we can sort this out.

I want to say thank you for the memories that we did make. The moments where you made me feel as the most special girl in the world.

The girl that would have never gave up on you,

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