October Favorites

I know October is not over yet but I wanted to post some of the things that I have been loving this month. This is actually my first time doing a post like this so let me know if you want me to do this post monthly. So comment if you are loving any of this stuff or anything that you want me to try for the month of November.

Books: I actually haven't got a chance to read a lot this month with school and everything. But there is a book that I have set aside for the month of November. I have had this book for awhile and I am excited to read it. I have read a few pages in it and it is good so far.

Songs: I am loving May We All by Florida-Georgia Line w/ Tim McGraw right now and also Forever Country by several Country Artists.

TV Shows: There are quite a few tv shows I am loving right now. They include This Is Us, Pitch, and Designated Survivor. These three shows are fairly new and I am enjoying watching them. I am also loving Supernatural.

Movies: Since it is Halloween season, I am loving all 4 Halloweentown movies, and Twitches 1 and 2.

Football Teams: Football has finally started and I am so excited. I am loving several football teams. The high school I graduated from, the high school the guy I am talking to graduated from, Alabama football, Tennessee Titans, and Atlanta Falcons.

Writing: I am getting into writing again this past month. I have enjoyed posting a blog post every week and just journaling my feelings. It has helped me de-stress and become calm with all of the chaos of school and life.

Smelling: I am loving the Fall scents from Bath and Body Works. I bought the lotion and spray scents and I really like them. I am also using pumpkin smelling waxes in my Scentsy so my whole house smells like a pumpkin pie.

Thinking: I have been thinking a lot. Especially about the future and what my future will be like. It's hard to imagine what my life will be like in 5-10 years. I will have started my career as a teacher and hopefully married with children.

Feeling: I have been feeling confused and conflicted this month. A lot has been happening this past month that has my feelings out of whack.

Food: I have been loving Mexican food this month. Especially homemade refried beans. I normally love Mexican food but I have had it more this month than any other month.

Drinks: It's starting to get cold so I have been drinking coffee a lot this month.

Clothes: I bought a pair of skinny jeans a couple of weeks ago and I have been loving them. I have never worn skinny jeans before and I wish that I have been. I have worn them rolled down in the mornings since it is cold but by lunch, it is hot outside so I have been rolling them up as capris. I have also been loving this black cardigan I bought. And my flannel shirt.

Losing a love one

Losing a loved one is heartbreaking especially if it is suddenly. There has been a lot of people that I know of that died really suddenly. My grandfather died suddenly in 2009. Nobody knew that it was going to happen. I talked to him on a Saturday night and then he died Tuesday morning. I think he knew that he was going to die but I didn't. I wasn't prepared. That Saturday night he talked to my whole family on the phone and told us that he loved us and was so proud of us. We hadn't seen him for 2 weeks before he died because we had the flu for a week and he had just got the flu. And then that Tuesday morning my mom got a call that he was gone. He had been at the dialysis place because of his kidneys and he choked on a lemon head. When they tried to do CPR on him, his chest cavity just collapsed. He was a block from the hospital.

We don't know when we are going to die. Only God knows. And it really does hurt when it happens because we may feel regret. Maybe we didn't spend enough time with them or said the wrong thing. I am thankful that I got 13 years with my grandfather but I feel sorry for my brother's and cousins because they didn't get that much time with him. I did. I was at his house all of the time. I helped him cook and we had recipes that were ours together. Since I spent so often at his house, I had to learn what medicine to give him and what to do if his sugar got too high or too low. I had to learn how to give him his insulin shots. I was five years old when I learned this. I wouldn't trade learning it though because it helped me become prepared as I grew older and stayed with him more.

My grandfather was amazing. He was a Godly man and loved his children and grandchildren. He was sick a lot, though. There were nights where we stayed at the hospital because we didn't know if he would even make it through the night. We traveled to Birmingham with him a lot. He had several heart attacks so that resulted in heart surgeries and bypasses. He had both legs amputated below the knee but that didn't stop him. He could also sing and I miss that. I miss getting a call on my birthday and having him sing to me. I so wish that I could have recorded it. He always kept a smile on his face and that was inspiring.

I wish that I could have had more time with him. There are things that I never experienced with him. There are moments where I miss him so much and want to see him. I sometimes pick up my phone to call him and then I remember that he isn't here anymore. When that happens, I pray to God to give me strength. And he does. He helps me remember that my grandfather is not in pain anymore. He is happy because he is with our Lord and Savior.

These are the things that I will never/never experienced with him:

1) He never did see me graduate high school
2) He didn't get to see me at prom.
3) He will never get to see me graduate college.
4) He won't be there when I get married or engaged.
5) My kids will never know him but I will tell them about him.
6) He will never meet the man that will hold my heart.

These are the things that I did experience with him:

1) My first birthday, Christmas, holidays.
2) My first day of Kindergarten.
3) My Kindergarten graduation.
4) My 5th-grade graduation.
5) 13 years of my life.

I love and miss you so much Poppie. Can't wait to see you again.

This was so hard to write and I am thankful that I get to share this with yall. Thank you for reading this.

Hello October

I know I am 6 days late on writing this but I am excited for October. October through January is my favorite months. It is finally getting cooler and I can dress cuter. I can wear my cardigans and my sweaters without sweating. This is the season for football games and bonfires and festivals. I am so excited.

Homecoming is in September and October. Homecoming is very big in my hometown. Nobody does it like us. We go all out. We actually won Homecoming this year. We won 28-12. So glad. Homecoming is fun because I get to see my best friends from high school and catch up with them. A lot has happened in almost three years and I miss them so much. These people were my rocks in high school. October also has Halloween. I love decorating and dressing up. I am dressing up as Minnie Mouse this year. An area Botanical Garden also does this thing called Scarecrows in the Park. Area businesses and schools decorate a scarecrow and set it up in the garden. They are amazing and so creative. Every year my family goes to see them and we just walk around the garden looking at the flowers and the fish.

October is also just special because it starts the holiday season and my birthday month. I turn 21 and yes I celebrate the entire month. October is so peaceful and calm and just one of the best months.

I am excited for October because it is just one of the best months. This year is going to be different because I am at a new college.

I hope that October gets better because right now, I am stressed and just ready for this year to be over with.

I hope that you like this post. It's short but I am writing it before class because that is basically my only free time. I needed to get something up this week because I am slacking on posting.

What makes me happy?

This wasn't really the blog post that I wanted to write but this topic just wouldn't leave my mind. It just suddenly came to me. Someone asked me today if I knew what makes me happy. I hesitated to answer because I really don't know what makes me happy anymore. I told you a lot because I didn't want to seem weird and depressed. And then you said name three of my most favorite and I couldn't.

The things that made me happy 6 months ago aren't the same things today. I'm not even the same person that I was 6 months ago. 6 months ago, I smiled a lot more and I was happier. What happened? Life happened. The things or people that made me happy 6 months ago don't phase me anymore. I don't even like some of the same things. It really sucks.

I spent 4 years talking to someone that made me really happy and now I don't even talk to him. He was my world and I was going to move to be with him. Did he love me? I don't know. But I loved him and he made me happy. Do I still talk to him? No, we decided it would be best that we didn't talk. It sucks because I spent so much time on him and I get thrown away.

One of my guy best friends that I have known for 4 years doesn't talk to me anymore. I was always there for him and he is never there for me. He was amazing. I was there for him.

Now I'm scared of getting close because I am scared of getting left in the dark. Everybody leaves me and it hurts. I am scared that you are going to grow tired of me and leave and I don't think I can handle it. Every time I talk to you, I think that I am going to say something stupid and that you are just going to up and leave.  And one day you will probably leave and I don't know when. I am hoping it is not anytime soon because I really like you. I haven't really liked anyone in awhile because of stuff like this.

You make me happy. I have laughed more these past two months than I have in awhile and that scares me. You are my happiness right now and I am scared to loose that. I am scared of losing the things that had made me whole and happy and just human again.

This post is really random and all over the place. I really don't know if I am making sense. This has just been on my mind for the last couple of days and I haven't been able to sleep because of it.