Saturday, October 1, 2016

What makes me happy?

This wasn't really the blog post that I wanted to write but this topic just wouldn't leave my mind. It just suddenly came to me. Someone asked me today if I knew what makes me happy. I hesitated to answer because I really don't know what makes me happy anymore. I told you a lot because I didn't want to seem weird and depressed. And then you said name three of my most favorite and I couldn't.

The things that made me happy 6 months ago aren't the same things today. I'm not even the same person that I was 6 months ago. 6 months ago, I smiled a lot more and I was happier. What happened? Life happened. The things or people that made me happy 6 months ago don't phase me anymore. I don't even like some of the same things. It really sucks.

I spent 4 years talking to someone that made me really happy and now I don't even talk to him. He was my world and I was going to move to be with him. Did he love me? I don't know. But I loved him and he made me happy. Do I still talk to him? No, we decided it would be best that we didn't talk. It sucks because I spent so much time on him and I get thrown away.

One of my guy best friends that I have known for 4 years doesn't talk to me anymore. I was always there for him and he is never there for me. He was amazing. I was there for him.

Now I'm scared of getting close because I am scared of getting left in the dark. Everybody leaves me and it hurts. I am scared that you are going to grow tired of me and leave and I don't think I can handle it. Every time I talk to you, I think that I am going to say something stupid and that you are just going to up and leave.  And one day you will probably leave and I don't know when. I am hoping it is not anytime soon because I really like you. I haven't really liked anyone in awhile because of stuff like this.

You make me happy. I have laughed more these past two months than I have in awhile and that scares me. You are my happiness right now and I am scared to loose that. I am scared of losing the things that had made me whole and happy and just human again.

This post is really random and all over the place. I really don't know if I am making sense. This has just been on my mind for the last couple of days and I haven't been able to sleep because of it.

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